I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
