I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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