yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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