Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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