hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
