can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
