the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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