why do cheetos always look like penises
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
