i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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