Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.