Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.