Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.