i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
