Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
