filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
