I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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