he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
