he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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