I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
