I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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