i don't like sucking hair
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
