yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
