shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
