i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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