you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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