If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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