By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
