if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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