your parents love me but you hate me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
