Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
