my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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