The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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