That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
please don't ironically join a cult
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