we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
