She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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