omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
