The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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