So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
