On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
