Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
