Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
