call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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