nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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