She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
