Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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