just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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