she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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