I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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