I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
