she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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