Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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