I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
