If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How external is "for external use only"?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
