i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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