It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
