He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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