Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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