new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
