I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
