barbara walters just said penis...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
