just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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